Living deep

Those who don't feel life pulling them like a river, those who don't drink dawn like a cup of spring water or take sunset like supper, those who don't want to change, let them sleep. ~Rumi
My brother, once a very little child to me, is now all grown up. I am so proud. I am so amazed. For he, more than anyone I have ever met embodies Joseph Campbell's admonition to follow your bliss.
He will be the commencement speaker when he graduates next month. He has just received a fellowship to study photography in Prague. He is dedicated to his work and his community. And, in my estimation is incredibly talented. Most importantly he is happy. And, that makes me ecstatic.

The emergence of little things

How glorious the emergence of little things on a cold spring morning! Ladybugs showing up on my windowsill and spiderlings hatching from well camouflaged egg sacs in my eves. Crocuses flowering from still grassless fields. Even the little child who now emerges so early to wake me from my slumber.
All of them a tribute to how powerful yet the counterinsurgency might be against the mis-anointed caretakers of this world: we human adults. Though it inevitably will mean my demise, I do wish for a day when the Ladybugs, the spiderlings, the crocus and the little children might be able to reach high enough to grasp the reins of power for more than a few fleeting moments in April.

Kinda blue

A dear friend asked me today how I'm doing...

Parenting has its share of tragedies, large and small. The crises of parenting, I have discovered, are seldom the ones I expected were lurking in my future.

Sure, there are the major medical traumas with big names ending in "oma" or carrying some distinguished doctor's last name. We all react to those by jumping off a cliff, landing on a tarp covered in hornets, then sinking into a pit of quicksand for the duration of the illness.

Aside from the big scary illnesses are the ones that abruptly end one journey -- usually well-planned, "normal life" -- and begin another journey through unmarked territory. It is this kind of journey of which my friend and I spoke.

I am on such a journey. Kuruna is my Sherpa.*

So how am I doing? I'm just fine. In fact, in spite of managing a complex schedule of doctor's visits, procedures, therapists and developmental exercises; in spite of occasional bouts of wondering if people think I am crazy because I've gone off on some protective Mother Bear rage about access to care for Kuruna; even though if I see another lab slip demanding blood from my baby I am going to crumple in a heap; and regardless of how many more days or years I have to wait to have a diagnosis... I'm ok. I'm actually having fun.

Fun...following Kuruna up the stairs helping him raise each leg to the next stair and hearing him giggle as he pulls himself up along the railing. Fun, watching him psyche himself up to step off a curb by himself....hearing him insist on holding the spoon, admonishing me to let "Self!" do it... watching how excited he gets putting on a shirt on his own. I especially find joy in listening to him croon "Twinkle Twinkle" or "Spirit of Life" or hearing him hum the saxophone part to "All Blues" from Miles Davis' Kind of Blue. How many people get to take their journey with a Sherpa who hums Coltrane? In his Sherpa kind of way, he keeps to himself. I don't know much about my guide, even though he's my son. But the lack of banter and relative silence invites me to inward exploration where, ironically, I find insights about the world around us.

I sometimes wake in the morning thinking that I'll discover I've been dreaming and that everything has been restored to "normal-and-as-planned." However, I'm rarely blue, hopping along on this jivey journey with my jazzy soy-milk-loving stair-climbing guy.

*(I must acknowledge here that I am not on this journey with Kuruna only, but also with Satya and my hubby and our extended families, too. I couldn't make this journey without their incredible support. But these are my Buddha lessons, right? And, though we may travel the same road, our feet trod on different soil.)

A week of prophets, messiah's and great teachers

Moses, Buddha, Christ, my kids....I wrote to a friend this evening...Parenting, I am pretty sure, is the answer to everything, if you are willing to be open and humble and inquisitive and generous. My kids have taught me every worthwhile thing about the world I know. There are many things they have also tried to teach me that I haven't learned yet. My job is to pay better attention

Today I learned that the story of raising Lazarus from the dead is really cool to a Unitarian-Jewish-Buddhist-Christian four-year-old. I also learned that Handel's Messiah is as fun to share with a child as it is to discover for yourself. Handel, in his genius, used very short passages from the Bible for his libretto and the musical energy is so joyful, it's intoxicating.

Is all of this religion confusing to Satya, my mother asks. No, she doesn't miss a beat. She puts Christ in heaven, Buddha in Nirvana, Moses on the mountaintop, and sees no reason they can't all exist that way. After all, don't I always tell her every body is different? Why shouldn't their gods and beliefs be?

The only thing she is confused about is how to get Bush out of office and why he got there in the first place. There is a song late in the Messiah that borrows its text from Psalm 2: "

Why do the nations so furiously rage together? [and] why do the people imagine a vain thing?

The kings of the earth rise up, and the rulers take consel together against the Lord, and against His Annointed.

Seeing those words today gave me hope that we may,

break their bonds asunder, and cast away their yokes from us.

I seldom quote scripture. But there are no atheists in a foxhole, right?

On that note, I'll sign off. It's 11:20 and I've just finished making the kids' Easter basket and a cake for Easter dinner tomorrow. We had Passover and my birthday this week, too. I am not sure when we slow down again, but I, at least am going to stop for the next six hours...Ok, at least slow down.

Learning as I go...to be a Democrat

I attended a talk given by Vermont Lt. Governor candidate, Matt Dunne, about a week ago. As I listened to Matt--who has led the national Americorps-VISTA program, served in the Vermont Senate for 11 years and been involved in service in many other ways--what inspired me most was his call to service for all Vermonters. I think that, as much as anything, is something we Dems can hold up and hold on to. I am not sure, yet, how to craft the right sound bite, so be patient with my in-articulation! However, I've got an image:

Move-on has started a TV ad-campaign showing Republican "leaders" with their hands dyed red. I don't think I have to explain that theme. The list is seemingly endless...Delay, Cheney, Libby, Bush, Abramoff...and growing every day.

Dems on the other hand have hands that have been used in service. I think of hands that have reached out to help others in need - helping the elderly and working with hospice patients, cleaning up natural waterways of trash and other pollutants, constructing and painting houses after Katrina, stacking donated food at food banks, teaching children, holding anti-war picket signs, and yes, writing checks to charity (which by-the-way the disappearing middle class does in far greater percentage than the upper class: "Except for seniors, upper middle class and middle rich filers are nearly half as generous as everyone else," according to at least one study I have read).

Our hands are "dirty" in a good way; they are strong, callaused, caring and stand ready for the next opportunity to serve our fellow citizens. They are ready to pick up the pieces of Iraq. They are ready to shake the hands of a new generation of activists. They are strong enough to do the hard work we need to clean this mess up!

(photo fatal Cleopatra on flikr)
I anticipate the reaction from Republicans - that they are volunteers, too. Yes. Their constituents may be. But it is not what their party is about. It is what OUR party is about. Just as the Republicans think they can co-opt Christianity, I think we can co-opt Service, connectedness, helping not only our "neighbors" but also reaching out to those who are beyond our neighborhoods.

Anyway... I have more thoughts on what we are "for" in terms of issues and platform. I too have been dissatified by our Party's lack of vision on this front. I have to admit, though, that as I work on creating positive statements about what we stand for, I find it very tough going. I'll keep you updated, if I hit on anything profound.

Spring Cleaning

It's here. The warm weather energizes us. The Sun makes us manic. We are busy bees, birds, ants, beavers...chucking out the tired, the old, the cluttered.
Yesterday, we made four boxes of clothes to donate to a couple of charities and to send off to friends' kids.
We also made plans and wishes for the spring and summer. What advnetures we planned! We'll go on hikes; we'll go to amusement parks; we'll walk or run in races benefiting cancer patients; we'll make art. Soon we'll color eggs.
This morning we woke and set the clocks ahead. Even time is telling us, "Get moving! You're already late!"
"Hurry, up!" Satya says to me. (She is sitting right next to me as I type). It's time to go for the first bike ride of the year.
This is the true season of renewal and resolution.

Kids' intestinal tracts are extremly resilient

I really won't elaborate too much on this one, except to say that given the variety 'foreign objects' that have made their way through Kuruna's digestive tract and have evidenced themselves to me (forgive the verbiage) without any signs of distress to his system, I am checking 'swallowing dangers' off the list of things to worry about -- for now.

Would Gandhi have embraced a cyber-based legal system?

I spent Saturday night re-watching Gandhi. I have resolved this year to read all of his writings - unfortunately haven't gotten through any yet. Ok, I haven't bought any, either. Somehow, I feel like buying books on Gandhi from amazon.com is counter-intuitive.


I just got an article from my bro about what happened to prisoners in New Orleans and Mississippi during and post -Katrina. I think I am going to vomit. (The article basically chronicles the abuse and neglect of incarcerated children and adults--many arrested without charge-- during this period.)
I don't understand how humans can systematically destroy other humans this way...I don't know where to begin to address the cruelty that exists in our prison "system."

I was reading this weekend a First Monday article about the growing use of Internet / SW based Online Dispute Resolution in the cyber world - where most of the process is automated. I wonder whether we could take care of some of the backlog of criminal cases this way.

No really. How much worse would a computer interface be for a black prisoner in the South than a disinterested public defender in front of a racially biased judge with a backlog of thousands of cases?

Who??? is the Surgeon General?

I was writing a comment to Sassypants on her blog post about Sex Ed, much on my mind as my four year old begins her journey as a sexual being.
So I have thought for a long time as I wrote in September that the ideal sex ed for teens -- especially girls -- would "consist mostly of my showing all of my stretch marks (no, they do not become silvery almost invisible "trophies") and discussing the joys of morning sickness, sleep deprivation (yes, I am still talking about pregnancy) and 'sharing' space within your own body that you never really thought you would have to sublet."
I agree that discussing the awkwardness of the sexual encounter (What's your name again? How many partners? Ever treated for an STD? Birth control? You're into WHAT???) would also go a long way both in prevention of teen pregnancy, unwanted pregnancy and in promotion of good sexual health -- mental and physical -- among our young people. I have given up on the rest of us. So, you write something up. I'll present it to Bill Frist and ...who is out Surgeon General these days??? Oh, Carmona. Yeah, there's a name we've heard a lot in the news during our "National healthcare crisis!"
I'm sorry, but has anyone heard word-one from this Surgeon General? There is certainly no lack of subject matter for this leader of our country to tackle! Avian Flu, for instance. Umm, mental health of children affected by Katrina. How about the Crystal Meth crisis sweeping the nation. I could go on and I don't even have an inkling about healthcare.

Really tough questions...

Satya asked with a quite a bit of frustration yesterday: "Mom, how can we say that Mercury is 'near the Sun,' if it is actually millions and millions of miles from the Sun?"

Anyone have a good way to visualize the enormity of space???

My new found alto-ism

Parenting is finding the strongest harmony to support and develop the melodies of our children.
Pre-parenting life in pursuit of my professional (what else was there?) and personal growth was spent trying to out-sing my peers in one way or another. Literally and figuratively -- I spent much of my youth in the performing arts -- I sought to lead everyone else.
How is it that I am a leader to my children, but find myself taking the back-seat? I know instinctually that is the right place for me to be--singing a strong but subtle and complementary harmony. Of course, finding the right notes can be its own challenge. I have to listen...and practice a lot more.

Needed: Magical Kingdom antidote

This is it. I am done. Disney has gone too far. And, I am declaring war. I have been quietly disgusted at the Disney Princess craze, hoping that its marketability would die down, or become passe after being overhyped. But now I am horrified. Disney has announced that in early April it will open the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique. Here's a short description:

"The boutique is to open in April at a Downtown Disney store and will include 10 chairs where girls can get fancy up-dos or hair extensions. With Kiddie spa treatments increasingly popular here, Disney currently offers kid primping including "my first facial" and "my first pedicure," and we hear that the highest-end package will include the works - hair, make-up, nails, a princess gown and a glam photo - and will probably be around $100. But, for your Princess that's not a lot of Mickey dollars!"

I had no idea that kiddie spa treatments existed much less that they were growing in popularity. What, do kids need a break from all the stress of pretend play? No, they need a break from the non-stop din of Disney programming on digital TV!, marketing at Wal-Mart and lifestyle invasion.

My objection is not to princesses and fairy tales per se. Pretend play is great. It helps children sort out their emotional and social roles. But Disney has taken all of the pretend out of the play. It prescribes the scenarios; it sanctions the props. Why does the princess have to be Sleeping Beauty? Why can't she be Princess Joanie? Why can't she be a royal wizard, chief architect or court composer? And, whatever happend to making a princess robe out of an old towel, a crown out of construction paper? And, while we are at it, where are the boys???? Is there a black Cinderella?

I am generally pretty laissez-faire. I don't believe in protecting children from every unpleasantry of modern life. I just need an alternative. And I need it to have the reach and capital backing of Disney.

Oprah...Are you out there? We need to talk!

(Look I realize that I am being incredibly simplistic in this rant, but what do you expect? It's a blog! If you want to have an intelligent conversation about sociology, child psychology and economics, I welcome your comments. If you have any resources for a mother desperate to give a daughter positive images and experiences, please share.)

Postcard

Written on a cut-out section of cardboard box and sent to a friend via U.S. PO:
"Hullo there...You know they have Star Wars fruit snacks?! Yes, you , too, can get blueberry molded head of Darth Vadar and Chewy Chew-bacca. They are not as yummy as those cute and lovable Pixar trademarked fruit snacks, like Nemo.
I think we need "Fossil Snacks" like: Head of Lucy, Austrolopithicus (that would be in a distinctive smoked mammoth flavor). The bummer flavor - you know the "less-preferred" one that no one wants -- would be trilobites in either a vaguely vanilla rootbeer flavor or imitation Philly-cheesesteak."

Mardi Gras day 2006

Jen Granick's blog shares a little Mardi Gras splash today. Her pictures include evidence that the party goes on...with masks of one kind...and another.
Nagin gave another stupid speech, drunkenly toasting "our Zulu brothers" who died in Katrina. Not sure he's any more a Zulu brother than I am!
In the meantime, Mosaic continues trying every avenue to pull the pieces together from afar. And the Army Corps acknowledges they are only trying to put the levees back in a little better shape than before. At least there will BE a levee by June!
What does this have to do with Buddha lessons? Well, maybe in explains why the other day I so adamantly condemned Disney princess craze to Satya, who was visibly heart broken to have her idols - Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, et all - cut down. I think it was Mardi Gras and not Disney, as much, that gave me the false perception of my princesshood, so maybe my gripe should be more with the Krewe of Rex than the fiends at Disney...But it's not popular to rail against anything New Orleans anymore and everyone knows Disney sucks.
Oh yeah, and in case you haven't heard - or don't have TV, like us...Bush knew.

"Benevolent" lump

Saturday. Found a lump low on Satya's neck. Called Doctor. ...who said not to worry about it, probably linked to last week's cold and sore throat.
Now I am thanking the non-issue lump. For I spent the rest of the weekend grateful and present. Grateful to have a healthy vivacious daughter. Present in every delightful moment I get with her.

A song on a Monday morning

As Sesame Street says, "One Small Voice" can teach the world a song. The essay on "This I Believe" this morning by 16 year old Josh Rittenberg gave me a little hope for making it through and even more hope that there will be a promising future for Satya and Kuruna.

Can't write

I set out at the beginning of the year to write more and to write frequently. I can't write tonight - especially not about nice things and my children. I have been trying for the last couple of days to get myself into a yummy safe place, but I can't find one.

Frankly, I am afraid and angry. What will become of the Middle East? What will become of the bird flu? Will we ever have healthcare rights for our poor? Will the federal and state governments move to limit the rights of pregnant women?

Does every mother go through this? I feel as if I was born and gave birth at the wrong time. I feel as if I have brought my children into a terribly dangerous world. How common is this feeling among mothers? Maybe it because I am a "child of Og." I can't write. I need to go check on my sleeping children.

I can't write.

Angry

Poverty in America This site gives an idea of what its like to be poor in America. It asks : what do you leave out when you leave below the poverty line.
Seeing this site hit me in a familiar place, an angry place. I cannot abide the suffering of mothers who cannot protect or provide for their children. The notion that this great big "mother" earth, and we humans as her caretakers, cannot provide for all mothers the resources they need angers me greatly. The fact that we cannot do so in the world's richest nation makes my head want to explode.

Mica
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Absurdities

Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
-Voltaire, philosopher (1694-1778)

A friend attached this quote in her list serve post this week. She was referring to current events in our home state and on the national stage. I think she meant that people who can make you believe untruths can make you act unconscionably, too.

Still, something bothered me about the work absurdity. In English, the absurd rings a somewhat jovial tone. It is non-sense, possibly dark non-sense, but not alltogether troubling. To the French, though (and thus to Voltaire?) absurdite is quite dark. Granted, all definitions of absurd in French now point to existentialism, in full bloom 200 years after Voltaire. Nevertheless, the Wikipedia entry in French had something to offer:

"ce qui est dénué de tous sens préétabli. Le substantif absurde est utilisé pour évoquer l'absurdité du monde, de l'humanité et de sa condition, lesquels ne sont en rien justifiées."

that which deviates from all pre-established reason...that which will never find any justification

The rest of Voltaire's quote can be found on One Good Move

"Let us therefore reject all superstition in order to become more human; but in speaking against fanaticism, let us not imitate the fanatics: they are sick men in delirium who want to chastise their doctors. Let us assuage their ills, and never embitter them, and let us pour drop by drop into their souls the divine balm of toleration, which they would reject with horror if it were offered to them all at once."

I am not sure what to believe, what I can believe any more. At least I can find some solace in search for root meanings of Voltaire quotes. I feel quite certain I am beginning to understand his intention. Let us continue to search for truth and meaning, toleration and compassion.